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Actual Football

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - OCTOBER 31: Mark Bowman #19 of the USC Trojans hurdles Jaylen McClain #8 of the Ohio State Buckeyes during the third quarter at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum on Octo

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK NINE

Thanks to a mostly boneless ACC, we won’t see a properly stress-tested Canes team until the playoff.

ORLANDO, FLORIDA - OCTOBER 24: Keyone Jenkins #12 of the UCF Knights reacts after a touchdown in the second half of the game between the UCF Knights and BYU Cougars at Acrisure Bounce House o

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK EIGHT

The hardworking corn syrup manufactures of middle America don’t turn what used to be hog fodder into a moderately addictive B-Tier Halloween candy just so you can trash it for three microns of internet clout.

AUSTIN, TEXAS - OCTOBER 17: Aaron Philo #12 of the Florida Gators and Daniel Pierre Louis #73 celebrate after defeating the Texas Longhorns at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium on Octobe

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK SEVEN

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK SIX

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK SIX

Play the heel, get heel heat, baby!

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - OCTOBER 03: Rhyland Kelly #18 of the Minnesota Golden Gophers reacts during the first half against the Michigan Wolverines at TCF Bank Stadium on October 03, 2026 in

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK FIVE

A sugar beet is not a potato. It does not require love, nor does it have anything to do with the outcome of this game.

ANN ARBOR, MICHIGAN - SEPTEMBER 26: Andrew Marsh #3 of the Michigan Wolverines can't pull in a first half touchdown catch against Jaylen Watson #3 of the Iowa Hawkeyes at Michigan Stadium on

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK FOUR

Eat shit, America; here’s Iowa football.

OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI - SEPTEMBER 19: Head coach Lane Kiffin of the Louisiana State Tigers takes the field before the game against the Mississippi Rebels at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium on Septembe

THE 2026 TOP WHATEVER: WEEK THREE

JUST FALL DOWN.